How to Cope with Holiday Stress
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About the Show
On this episode, Chuck Gaidica is joined by Senior Health Care Analyst for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, Josh McCullough. Together, they explore how we can better manage stress and set boundaries this holiday season.
In this episode of A Healthier Michigan Podcast, we explore:
- How the holidays can be a source of stress for many due to factors like social obligations, gift-giving, family dynamics, and personal expectations.
- Practical tips including setting boundaries and expectations early, considering alternative gift-giving options, and focusing on quality time rather than quantity.
- Self-care, open communication, and managing expectations during the holiday season in a healthy way.
Transcript
Chuck Gaidica:
Are you feeling overwhelmed by holiday stress? This is episode 173 of A Healthier Michigan Podcast. I'm your host, Chuck Gaidica. And on this episode, we're diving into how we can better manage stress and set boundaries this holiday season. With me today is senior healthcare analyst for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, Josh McCullough. Good to see you.
Josh McCullough:
Good to see you again. Thank you for having me.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah. Happy holidays.
Josh McCullough:
And to you as well.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah, thanks. And just saying that I guess could be a trigger. It all depends on where you stand, how you're wired. But the holidays, this is a pretty broad brush, but holidays can often be portrayed and they should be as times of joy and celebration. We see it in commercials. We hear it on the radio. But for some it can quickly become a source of stress and it can become overwhelming for many. And the pressure then becomes from multiple different directions oftentimes. There's pressure to attend social gatherings. What kind of gift? What's the perfect gift? You've got to navigate family dynamics, all the while managing your own personal expectations, your own personal family.
And it looks like that's a thing that can take a toll on many when it comes to their mental health. So, for some, we know the holidays bring added financial strain, the weight of grief from loved ones who are no longer with us. So, lots of questions here, Josh, but the big one is, how do we manage this holiday stress? Because for some, we can't change those dynamics. And how do we create a season that feels more joy-filled, and at the very least balanced?
Josh McCullough:
Well, it's funny because when you mentioned television and commercials, I think that that's a big part of where our expectation for the holidays come from. You see these beautiful scenes in television and movies. You see these families all smiling together in this wonderful dining room, or kitchen or whatever on commercials. For some, it's like that. For some folks, it's not, especially depending on what our history with our families may have been. So, I think the number one thing to think about for folks is, are these expectations, whatever they may be, coming from family or are they coming from myself? Am I saying, "Well, I see this so it should be like this?" Am I inadvertently doing this to myself? For so many, when you mention families getting together, is such a big part of the holidays. No matter which holiday we celebrate, for so many, that's really what it's all about.
The gifts are nice, and the big dinners are nice and all that, but just especially depending on where we live. Most of my family, my biological family is in Ohio, so I don't see them very often. So, just being at home is oftentimes enough. But there can be this expectation to, "Oh, geez, I got to get gifts for this person, that person," all these things, and it's got to be this Hallmark moment. But really the people on the other end just want to see us. So, sometimes we can drive ourselves batty with all the expectations we place on ourselves from what we see in media, to live up to a certain standard for what the holidays are supposed to be. And that can be the start of things.
Chuck Gaidica:
Well, that's an interesting point you made there about family and getting together, that you may be the gift that they were hoping for. Which I don't want to say it's free 99, because it may cost you to travel there. But the reality is whatever you're going to assign as a budget may not be high enough to trade off that idea that your family just wanted to see you or me walk through the door, right?
Josh McCullough:
Yeah, absolutely. And especially depending on how big our families are. Some folks I know have huge families. And gift giving can be such a... if someone was to get a gift for every single person coming to the holidays, you'd be in the red all year. One thing that I have seen and have done with various family that I've been involved with, have been like, why don't we do a secret Santa or a signed gift, and I will get a gift for mom. My brother will get a gift for dad. Or maybe I will get a gift for aunt. You can get a gift for uncle. So, we're not all breaking our piggy banks just to get gifts, especially depending on where we're at in our lives. I mean, some of us may have plenty of stuff. And having more stuff may just find its way down to the basement or in storage in the garages or things like that.
Sometimes, depending on what we want to do, maybe a small donation. I'm a big fan of this, maybe a small donation to a charity that's meaningful to someone in lieu of a physical gift or some sort of act. I can make that favorite dish you like or those cookies that you love so much, in lieu of spending a lot of money on trying to find the perfect gift and stressing out not only our mental health, but our financial health as well. Oftentimes can mean so much more than just whatever the cool new doodad is this year.
Chuck Gaidica:
And yet for some those Hallmark type movies, they obviously set expectations of things maybe being perfect, although now I notice there's a lot of chaos. It's fun chaos. The turkey caught fire. I mean, they got to do something to make the movie interesting. But I think there are a lot of people who look to those and say, "Oh, well, I never thought of going on a sleigh ride. Let's go do it." So, for some, that's inspiration to see the Hallmark family. And for others it does create the stress. So, how do you look for practical ways of setting healthy boundaries? We know about the financial strain and the potentials there, but how do we set these boundaries? Because this is a time of the year where that seems hard, whether it's an office party or whether it's a family party. What are the expectations and how do I manage that so I'm feeling well, so I can enjoy those things?
Josh McCullough:
It may be a little tight on timing this year, but as much as we can, maybe setting some of those boundaries or expectations well ahead of time. Maybe not trying to set them in December, but maybe talking over the summer or the fall with our family and saying, "Hey, I know every year we kind of do this. Things are tight this year money-wise, emotional-wise, timing-wise. What if we do that this year? What if we lower our expectations or do something different this year, rather than try to do the entire week?" Which sometimes has led to frustration, arguments, a lot of hurt feelings. What if we do a weekend?
Or what if instead of doing things on Christmas day, we all come into town on Christmas day or somewhere flying in, driving in, it's a very busy day or the day before? What if we do a few days ahead of time, and try and have the same experience, as much fun, and as much joy as we can without so much crunch, if that makes sense? And again, sometimes that can take talking about months ahead of time rather than the week before, the day before or whatever it would be.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah. I think that's important. For us as a family with five children, now most of them married. And then you look at in-laws, stresses of, well, whose house are we going to for Thanksgiving, for Christmas, all that. And then there could be divorces in our case on other side of the family, so now you've got multiple parents. Susan and I decided, my wife and I years ago, this isn't months ago, years ago, we've got to be... That's all I can control anyway. We've got to be the family that says, "Okay, you can't be here for Thanksgiving this year. We'll alternate. However it works out is fine." Because we often see those inputs come in where there's a guilt trip like, "Oh, I thought you'd be here for all the holidays." And we just decided a long time ago as parents, we can't be those parents, because we know just the odds are with so many kids and now spouses or boyfriends or girlfriends, that they're going to have these inputs that they have to manage. So, why would we be the stress-maker? So, we took that one off the table.
Josh McCullough:
Right. And I think that's another thing we talked so much about, what can we do to reach out to folks? I think if we are the heads of household, head of the family, whatever the case would be, the house where everyone comes to, maybe that's one thing that we want to think about a few months ahead of time. It's okay, we've got these various family dynamics, these various family members. They may have competing demands for their time. Is there a way that one hand can wash the other? Can we come up with a way to see the people we love and not be the stressor? Can we be the relief, so to speak? Can I be flexible with things? I may not get 100% of what I want, but I can get 50, 60, 70, 80%. And that's sure better than 100% of nothing.
Again, my in-laws are here in Michigan and my family is in Ohio. For many years, my wife and I have taken to flip-flopping holidays. One year, we'll do Thanksgiving in Ohio and then Christmas in Michigan. Next year, we'll flip-flop those and our families understand that they'll see us eventually. And also, depending on our family dynamics, impressing upon people that me making decisions and making boundaries is not a lack of love, as if to say, I only have so much I can give. But it's to say, I want to be able to give you the best of myself. The most of my time. The love that you're looking for. The attention looking for.
I've known folks that have gone from Michigan up to mid-Michigan, down to northern part of Ohio and back all in the same day. Boy, that's going to run you ragged. So, being able to say, I want to give you the best of myself, here's how I can do this, rather than give you 50% of myself, and I'm exhausted and you don't get much time with me. That might be something that can speak to that emotional part of folks who may be somewhat disappointed if they can't get the pie in the sky, get the Hallmark Christmas they were looking for, holiday they were looking for. But be able to understand, okay, yeah, I'll be able to get more of the emotion of what I'm looking for if it's not on this exact day.
Chuck Gaidica:
And that idea of 60, 70%, for many of us, it becomes the 120, 140%. We're over committing. We know we can't really handle it well. We know physically we can probably pull off driving to Canton, Ohio, and back up to Midland and back down home. And we know we can do it. We can drive it, but then the kids are crying, we're tired. So, that idea of over committing can lead to stress all by itself, if at some point you just don't say, here are my boundaries. That's what you're saying.
Josh McCullough:
Yeah. And that can be a tough thing to set with people that we love and care about. And again, I think when we talk about setting boundaries, so often people hear that as I have to be harsh with someone. I have to be so firm, and unbending and unyielding that I'm going to hurt someone I care about. But really what it is, is if we want to spend good quality time together, the physical toll of a long trip is going to take away from your mental ability, your emotional ability. You're going to be exhausted. And no one's going to get 100% of you, the best of you if you're exhausted to begin with. You just make it in at noon on Christmas day, and you've got to get the presents together, and you've got to get the dishes cooked, and you've got to get all this stuff together. I mean, who has time to sit back and enjoy and reconnect?
Chuck Gaidica:
So, what are the signs we should be looking for in ourselves? Could be a spouse, because oftentimes that input comes from another side of the family. What are we looking for that are the signals? We're talking a lot about triggers. But what are we looking for so we know we either need to calm ourselves down and deploy some new tools from the toolbox, or that we need to keep an eye on our spouse and even our kids, that they're showing signs of stress during the holidays?
Josh McCullough:
Again, we talked about things happening well ahead of time. I think if anyone starts to dread the holidays coming up. "Oh, geez, it's going to be like every other year where we go to Aunt Martha's, and all heck breaks loose or we're exhausted and there's so many people." If you find yourself more with a sense of dread and apprehension than you are excitement and looking forward to it, I think that's one thing. I think if you find yourself getting more and more tense, and it's not directed to the holidays, maybe at work, your loved ones' out and about. If that little thing in the back of your head is the holidays are coming up and it's coming out in all these different areas, that's another thing.
I think what we can do is, especially when we talk about spouses or our supports, even if we're not in a relationship one way, shape or form, talk to our friends, talk to therapists if we have them, counselors and say, "I've got this thing coming up that I'm really apprehensive about. I want to talk with you about it." It may be one thing that especially if we're in relationships, I may perceive things one way, the person in a relationship may perceive it another. "I love going down to your families. Oh, it's great. I get to see your brother, and your sister-in-law, and your mom and your dad, and it's great." But for the person who was born into that family, it may be a whole other experience.
So, I think having those conversations up front, here's what I'm worried about. Here's what I'm experiencing. Can we talk about different ways that we might do it this year? What are our options? Just let your mind fly and think out loud. What are different ways we could do it? Not good, not bad, but just different ways we could handle it. Maybe we can narrow in on a few good ways to maybe get through the holidays this year without everyone falling apart.
Chuck Gaidica:
And we've talked in the past about self-care and probably some of those same tactics would apply here for self-care because stress is stress in some cases. So, it could be things like what? Breathing differently, calming yourself down, finding a moment of quiet. I mean, a lot of those same ideas can be deployed here too, right?
Josh McCullough:
Absolutely. We talked last time I think about box breathing, the four-second breathing, four-second hold, four-second out, four-second hold, four-second in, doing that. We've talked about, as we're talking today, setting expectations. What are the true expectations versus what am I thinking they are? Am I somehow blowing things up in my mind to be worse than they are or than they could be? For some folks, especially as we talk about setting boundaries, I think we've talked a lot about the kind of average family so far. But some folks may come from families of particular trauma or abuse one way, shape or form, and getting together in the holidays can be triggering and re-experiencing a lot of those family dynamics.
I think for those folks, it's especially important to not only rope in your natural supports, your friends, your family that you have right now. Not your family that you were born to, but your family of choice, that the family you've made. Talking with therapists, folks that can give that kind of independent third eye, especially if they have a lot of experience helping folks with traumatic family backgrounds. Because a lot of folks feel that pull. I can't break this cycle. I have to go see mom and dad. I have to go see grandma, grandpa. And they just cannot envision it on their way out of it. Having other folks around to help them problem solve and deal with breaking that cycle can be very, very important, especially depending on how things have gone in their past.
Chuck Gaidica:
And I kind of flew past this quickly, but for me, I relate to it. This idea of this season in particular is very heavy for some because of grief. You've lost somebody. For me, it was age 10. My favorite uncle lived upstairs. And he was 39 years old and died suddenly. This was my snowball making buddy. Took me to James Bond movies when I was a kid three weeks before Christmas. So, already under a Christmas tree at my grandmother's place were presents addressed to Chucky from Unc. That was his nickname. And as a kid, that really hit you. And to this day, several weeks before Christmas, now it's become more melancholy. I've had a whole life to look back on this.
But for a while as a kid, I thought, "Well, all good people must die at 39." Of course, that was a kid's mind thinking that. And then here it was three weeks before Christmas and my best pal is gone. So, it leads you to these places of melancholy, which for me, I've been able to self-manage. It's just a thing where I fondly think back to him or I'll look at a picture on purpose to think about him. But this is a time of the year where that can become a real deal for a lot of people, right?
Josh McCullough:
Absolutely. And my own father passed away in 2019, so every year there's this kind of, jeez, I wish dad was here. Especially as new things come in, there are new family members one way, shape or form. Or my father loved animals, so we have a dog that he never got to meet. And we said, "Jeez, I wish dad would've gotten to meet my dog, Kevin." And so, I think one thing for folks to do for themselves is give themselves some grace. As you say, it can be melancholy, it can be sad, it can be depressing. And how could it be any other way really? When someone that we care about so deeply is not here at a time when family get together, there may be some sadness, some melancholies or whatever you want to call it. There may be some anger. Why didn't so-and-so just do what it took to get better or things like that?
But these feelings all just tell us that this was someone that we loved and cared about. It's kind of a reminder. It comes out in some ways, expected or unexpected. But it's okay for those things to happen. And indeed, there may be times when we talk about the Hallmark movie and sometimes there's kind of wacky moments that sometimes those inadvertent accidents or wacky moments, we dropped the mashed potatoes or the turkey wasn't quite done or whatever. Sometimes those can be times to laugh as well, and bring some levity and understand that even if things are not perfect here, that person we loved is not with us or things didn't turn out exactly perfect, that things are as they should be sometimes.
And given everything that came up to that point, how could they be any other way? And sometimes that's what gets in people's minds is, I wish things weren't like this. And we spend so much time focusing on the way things could be, but we're not rooted in the moment and saying, "This is how things are right now." And that can really drive us batty as well. It can really play with our emotions.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah. And part of that grace, as I'm listening to you say these things, part of that grace is understanding it's okay to grieve, right? I mean, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to reflect and say, "I remember when dad used to carve the turkey." That's all okay because it's real. It's just real stuff.
Josh McCullough:
Yeah. I mean, it's really these anniversary type events or maybe the anniversary of someone's passing. There may be these holiday anniversaries. Maybe our loved one really loved Christmas. Maybe they dressed up as Santa every year and really got into it. So, with them not here, the holiday takes on a different tone. But sometimes maybe it's, yeah, I recognize that part of myself is depressed or sad when I think about this, but another part of me remembers dad dressing up as Santa and chuckles about it. And having both of those emotions is perfectly valid and normal.
Chuck Gaidica:
Well, as we start to wrap up, you want to give us some takeaways here, because it is that time of the year for us to consider a lot of these things?
Josh McCullough:
Definitely give yourself some grace. Talk to people that are close with you, supportive of you. If you're having trouble saying, "How do I set a boundary? What should I do? What would you do? How could we come up with some different ways to manage this?" As much as possible, tackle things ahead of time. Maybe get family prepared if you think that they might be disappointed that things might be different this year. And then also keep a close eye on the difference between quantity and quality of time or resources. Am I buying too many gifts and putting myself in the red? Or am I getting very thoughtful, targeted gifts or some other way to show someone that I care about them?
Chuck Gaidica:
Well, great stuff. Thanks again, Josh, for being with us.
Josh McCullough:
Thank you for having me. And happy holidays to you.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah, thank you. Same to you and your family. With us today is senior healthcare analyst for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, Josh McCullough. We're glad you're here. Thanks for listening to A Healthier Michigan Podcast. It's brought to you by Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan. If you like the show and you want to know more, you can go online to ahealthiermichigan.org/podcast or you can leave us a review or rating on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. You can also follow us. We've got Facebook, Instagram, and X covered. You can also go to your smartphone or tablet. And be sure to hit the subscribe button because you can find that on the Apple Podcasts, Spotify. We've got a YouTube channel. It's all there for you. Or you can just use your favorite podcast app. I'm Chuck Gaidica. Be well this holiday season.
Are you feeling overwhelmed by holiday stress? This is episode 173 of A Healthier Michigan Podcast. I'm your host, Chuck Gaidica. And on this episode, we're diving into how we can better manage stress and set boundaries this holiday season. With me today is senior healthcare analyst for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, Josh McCullough. Good to see you.
Josh McCullough:
Good to see you again. Thank you for having me.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah. Happy holidays.
Josh McCullough:
And to you as well.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah, thanks. And just saying that I guess could be a trigger. It all depends on where you stand, how you're wired. But the holidays, this is a pretty broad brush, but holidays can often be portrayed and they should be as times of joy and celebration. We see it in commercials. We hear it on the radio. But for some it can quickly become a source of stress and it can become overwhelming for many. And the pressure then becomes from multiple different directions oftentimes. There's pressure to attend social gatherings. What kind of gift? What's the perfect gift? You've got to navigate family dynamics, all the while managing your own personal expectations, your own personal family.
And it looks like that's a thing that can take a toll on many when it comes to their mental health. So, for some, we know the holidays bring added financial strain, the weight of grief from loved ones who are no longer with us. So, lots of questions here, Josh, but the big one is, how do we manage this holiday stress? Because for some, we can't change those dynamics. And how do we create a season that feels more joy-filled, and at the very least balanced?
Josh McCullough:
Well, it's funny because when you mentioned television and commercials, I think that that's a big part of where our expectation for the holidays come from. You see these beautiful scenes in television and movies. You see these families all smiling together in this wonderful dining room, or kitchen or whatever on commercials. For some, it's like that. For some folks, it's not, especially depending on what our history with our families may have been. So, I think the number one thing to think about for folks is, are these expectations, whatever they may be, coming from family or are they coming from myself? Am I saying, "Well, I see this so it should be like this?" Am I inadvertently doing this to myself? For so many, when you mention families getting together, is such a big part of the holidays. No matter which holiday we celebrate, for so many, that's really what it's all about.
The gifts are nice, and the big dinners are nice and all that, but just especially depending on where we live. Most of my family, my biological family is in Ohio, so I don't see them very often. So, just being at home is oftentimes enough. But there can be this expectation to, "Oh, geez, I got to get gifts for this person, that person," all these things, and it's got to be this Hallmark moment. But really the people on the other end just want to see us. So, sometimes we can drive ourselves batty with all the expectations we place on ourselves from what we see in media, to live up to a certain standard for what the holidays are supposed to be. And that can be the start of things.
Chuck Gaidica:
Well, that's an interesting point you made there about family and getting together, that you may be the gift that they were hoping for. Which I don't want to say it's free 99, because it may cost you to travel there. But the reality is whatever you're going to assign as a budget may not be high enough to trade off that idea that your family just wanted to see you or me walk through the door, right?
Josh McCullough:
Yeah, absolutely. And especially depending on how big our families are. Some folks I know have huge families. And gift giving can be such a... if someone was to get a gift for every single person coming to the holidays, you'd be in the red all year. One thing that I have seen and have done with various family that I've been involved with, have been like, why don't we do a secret Santa or a signed gift, and I will get a gift for mom. My brother will get a gift for dad. Or maybe I will get a gift for aunt. You can get a gift for uncle. So, we're not all breaking our piggy banks just to get gifts, especially depending on where we're at in our lives. I mean, some of us may have plenty of stuff. And having more stuff may just find its way down to the basement or in storage in the garages or things like that.
Sometimes, depending on what we want to do, maybe a small donation. I'm a big fan of this, maybe a small donation to a charity that's meaningful to someone in lieu of a physical gift or some sort of act. I can make that favorite dish you like or those cookies that you love so much, in lieu of spending a lot of money on trying to find the perfect gift and stressing out not only our mental health, but our financial health as well. Oftentimes can mean so much more than just whatever the cool new doodad is this year.
Chuck Gaidica:
And yet for some those Hallmark type movies, they obviously set expectations of things maybe being perfect, although now I notice there's a lot of chaos. It's fun chaos. The turkey caught fire. I mean, they got to do something to make the movie interesting. But I think there are a lot of people who look to those and say, "Oh, well, I never thought of going on a sleigh ride. Let's go do it." So, for some, that's inspiration to see the Hallmark family. And for others it does create the stress. So, how do you look for practical ways of setting healthy boundaries? We know about the financial strain and the potentials there, but how do we set these boundaries? Because this is a time of the year where that seems hard, whether it's an office party or whether it's a family party. What are the expectations and how do I manage that so I'm feeling well, so I can enjoy those things?
Josh McCullough:
It may be a little tight on timing this year, but as much as we can, maybe setting some of those boundaries or expectations well ahead of time. Maybe not trying to set them in December, but maybe talking over the summer or the fall with our family and saying, "Hey, I know every year we kind of do this. Things are tight this year money-wise, emotional-wise, timing-wise. What if we do that this year? What if we lower our expectations or do something different this year, rather than try to do the entire week?" Which sometimes has led to frustration, arguments, a lot of hurt feelings. What if we do a weekend?
Or what if instead of doing things on Christmas day, we all come into town on Christmas day or somewhere flying in, driving in, it's a very busy day or the day before? What if we do a few days ahead of time, and try and have the same experience, as much fun, and as much joy as we can without so much crunch, if that makes sense? And again, sometimes that can take talking about months ahead of time rather than the week before, the day before or whatever it would be.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah. I think that's important. For us as a family with five children, now most of them married. And then you look at in-laws, stresses of, well, whose house are we going to for Thanksgiving, for Christmas, all that. And then there could be divorces in our case on other side of the family, so now you've got multiple parents. Susan and I decided, my wife and I years ago, this isn't months ago, years ago, we've got to be... That's all I can control anyway. We've got to be the family that says, "Okay, you can't be here for Thanksgiving this year. We'll alternate. However it works out is fine." Because we often see those inputs come in where there's a guilt trip like, "Oh, I thought you'd be here for all the holidays." And we just decided a long time ago as parents, we can't be those parents, because we know just the odds are with so many kids and now spouses or boyfriends or girlfriends, that they're going to have these inputs that they have to manage. So, why would we be the stress-maker? So, we took that one off the table.
Josh McCullough:
Right. And I think that's another thing we talked so much about, what can we do to reach out to folks? I think if we are the heads of household, head of the family, whatever the case would be, the house where everyone comes to, maybe that's one thing that we want to think about a few months ahead of time. It's okay, we've got these various family dynamics, these various family members. They may have competing demands for their time. Is there a way that one hand can wash the other? Can we come up with a way to see the people we love and not be the stressor? Can we be the relief, so to speak? Can I be flexible with things? I may not get 100% of what I want, but I can get 50, 60, 70, 80%. And that's sure better than 100% of nothing.
Again, my in-laws are here in Michigan and my family is in Ohio. For many years, my wife and I have taken to flip-flopping holidays. One year, we'll do Thanksgiving in Ohio and then Christmas in Michigan. Next year, we'll flip-flop those and our families understand that they'll see us eventually. And also, depending on our family dynamics, impressing upon people that me making decisions and making boundaries is not a lack of love, as if to say, I only have so much I can give. But it's to say, I want to be able to give you the best of myself. The most of my time. The love that you're looking for. The attention looking for.
I've known folks that have gone from Michigan up to mid-Michigan, down to northern part of Ohio and back all in the same day. Boy, that's going to run you ragged. So, being able to say, I want to give you the best of myself, here's how I can do this, rather than give you 50% of myself, and I'm exhausted and you don't get much time with me. That might be something that can speak to that emotional part of folks who may be somewhat disappointed if they can't get the pie in the sky, get the Hallmark Christmas they were looking for, holiday they were looking for. But be able to understand, okay, yeah, I'll be able to get more of the emotion of what I'm looking for if it's not on this exact day.
Chuck Gaidica:
And that idea of 60, 70%, for many of us, it becomes the 120, 140%. We're over committing. We know we can't really handle it well. We know physically we can probably pull off driving to Canton, Ohio, and back up to Midland and back down home. And we know we can do it. We can drive it, but then the kids are crying, we're tired. So, that idea of over committing can lead to stress all by itself, if at some point you just don't say, here are my boundaries. That's what you're saying.
Josh McCullough:
Yeah. And that can be a tough thing to set with people that we love and care about. And again, I think when we talk about setting boundaries, so often people hear that as I have to be harsh with someone. I have to be so firm, and unbending and unyielding that I'm going to hurt someone I care about. But really what it is, is if we want to spend good quality time together, the physical toll of a long trip is going to take away from your mental ability, your emotional ability. You're going to be exhausted. And no one's going to get 100% of you, the best of you if you're exhausted to begin with. You just make it in at noon on Christmas day, and you've got to get the presents together, and you've got to get the dishes cooked, and you've got to get all this stuff together. I mean, who has time to sit back and enjoy and reconnect?
Chuck Gaidica:
So, what are the signs we should be looking for in ourselves? Could be a spouse, because oftentimes that input comes from another side of the family. What are we looking for that are the signals? We're talking a lot about triggers. But what are we looking for so we know we either need to calm ourselves down and deploy some new tools from the toolbox, or that we need to keep an eye on our spouse and even our kids, that they're showing signs of stress during the holidays?
Josh McCullough:
Again, we talked about things happening well ahead of time. I think if anyone starts to dread the holidays coming up. "Oh, geez, it's going to be like every other year where we go to Aunt Martha's, and all heck breaks loose or we're exhausted and there's so many people." If you find yourself more with a sense of dread and apprehension than you are excitement and looking forward to it, I think that's one thing. I think if you find yourself getting more and more tense, and it's not directed to the holidays, maybe at work, your loved ones' out and about. If that little thing in the back of your head is the holidays are coming up and it's coming out in all these different areas, that's another thing.
I think what we can do is, especially when we talk about spouses or our supports, even if we're not in a relationship one way, shape or form, talk to our friends, talk to therapists if we have them, counselors and say, "I've got this thing coming up that I'm really apprehensive about. I want to talk with you about it." It may be one thing that especially if we're in relationships, I may perceive things one way, the person in a relationship may perceive it another. "I love going down to your families. Oh, it's great. I get to see your brother, and your sister-in-law, and your mom and your dad, and it's great." But for the person who was born into that family, it may be a whole other experience.
So, I think having those conversations up front, here's what I'm worried about. Here's what I'm experiencing. Can we talk about different ways that we might do it this year? What are our options? Just let your mind fly and think out loud. What are different ways we could do it? Not good, not bad, but just different ways we could handle it. Maybe we can narrow in on a few good ways to maybe get through the holidays this year without everyone falling apart.
Chuck Gaidica:
And we've talked in the past about self-care and probably some of those same tactics would apply here for self-care because stress is stress in some cases. So, it could be things like what? Breathing differently, calming yourself down, finding a moment of quiet. I mean, a lot of those same ideas can be deployed here too, right?
Josh McCullough:
Absolutely. We talked last time I think about box breathing, the four-second breathing, four-second hold, four-second out, four-second hold, four-second in, doing that. We've talked about, as we're talking today, setting expectations. What are the true expectations versus what am I thinking they are? Am I somehow blowing things up in my mind to be worse than they are or than they could be? For some folks, especially as we talk about setting boundaries, I think we've talked a lot about the kind of average family so far. But some folks may come from families of particular trauma or abuse one way, shape or form, and getting together in the holidays can be triggering and re-experiencing a lot of those family dynamics.
I think for those folks, it's especially important to not only rope in your natural supports, your friends, your family that you have right now. Not your family that you were born to, but your family of choice, that the family you've made. Talking with therapists, folks that can give that kind of independent third eye, especially if they have a lot of experience helping folks with traumatic family backgrounds. Because a lot of folks feel that pull. I can't break this cycle. I have to go see mom and dad. I have to go see grandma, grandpa. And they just cannot envision it on their way out of it. Having other folks around to help them problem solve and deal with breaking that cycle can be very, very important, especially depending on how things have gone in their past.
Chuck Gaidica:
And I kind of flew past this quickly, but for me, I relate to it. This idea of this season in particular is very heavy for some because of grief. You've lost somebody. For me, it was age 10. My favorite uncle lived upstairs. And he was 39 years old and died suddenly. This was my snowball making buddy. Took me to James Bond movies when I was a kid three weeks before Christmas. So, already under a Christmas tree at my grandmother's place were presents addressed to Chucky from Unc. That was his nickname. And as a kid, that really hit you. And to this day, several weeks before Christmas, now it's become more melancholy. I've had a whole life to look back on this.
But for a while as a kid, I thought, "Well, all good people must die at 39." Of course, that was a kid's mind thinking that. And then here it was three weeks before Christmas and my best pal is gone. So, it leads you to these places of melancholy, which for me, I've been able to self-manage. It's just a thing where I fondly think back to him or I'll look at a picture on purpose to think about him. But this is a time of the year where that can become a real deal for a lot of people, right?
Josh McCullough:
Absolutely. And my own father passed away in 2019, so every year there's this kind of, jeez, I wish dad was here. Especially as new things come in, there are new family members one way, shape or form. Or my father loved animals, so we have a dog that he never got to meet. And we said, "Jeez, I wish dad would've gotten to meet my dog, Kevin." And so, I think one thing for folks to do for themselves is give themselves some grace. As you say, it can be melancholy, it can be sad, it can be depressing. And how could it be any other way really? When someone that we care about so deeply is not here at a time when family get together, there may be some sadness, some melancholies or whatever you want to call it. There may be some anger. Why didn't so-and-so just do what it took to get better or things like that?
But these feelings all just tell us that this was someone that we loved and cared about. It's kind of a reminder. It comes out in some ways, expected or unexpected. But it's okay for those things to happen. And indeed, there may be times when we talk about the Hallmark movie and sometimes there's kind of wacky moments that sometimes those inadvertent accidents or wacky moments, we dropped the mashed potatoes or the turkey wasn't quite done or whatever. Sometimes those can be times to laugh as well, and bring some levity and understand that even if things are not perfect here, that person we loved is not with us or things didn't turn out exactly perfect, that things are as they should be sometimes.
And given everything that came up to that point, how could they be any other way? And sometimes that's what gets in people's minds is, I wish things weren't like this. And we spend so much time focusing on the way things could be, but we're not rooted in the moment and saying, "This is how things are right now." And that can really drive us batty as well. It can really play with our emotions.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah. And part of that grace, as I'm listening to you say these things, part of that grace is understanding it's okay to grieve, right? I mean, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to reflect and say, "I remember when dad used to carve the turkey." That's all okay because it's real. It's just real stuff.
Josh McCullough:
Yeah. I mean, it's really these anniversary type events or maybe the anniversary of someone's passing. There may be these holiday anniversaries. Maybe our loved one really loved Christmas. Maybe they dressed up as Santa every year and really got into it. So, with them not here, the holiday takes on a different tone. But sometimes maybe it's, yeah, I recognize that part of myself is depressed or sad when I think about this, but another part of me remembers dad dressing up as Santa and chuckles about it. And having both of those emotions is perfectly valid and normal.
Chuck Gaidica:
Well, as we start to wrap up, you want to give us some takeaways here, because it is that time of the year for us to consider a lot of these things?
Josh McCullough:
Definitely give yourself some grace. Talk to people that are close with you, supportive of you. If you're having trouble saying, "How do I set a boundary? What should I do? What would you do? How could we come up with some different ways to manage this?" As much as possible, tackle things ahead of time. Maybe get family prepared if you think that they might be disappointed that things might be different this year. And then also keep a close eye on the difference between quantity and quality of time or resources. Am I buying too many gifts and putting myself in the red? Or am I getting very thoughtful, targeted gifts or some other way to show someone that I care about them?
Chuck Gaidica:
Well, great stuff. Thanks again, Josh, for being with us.
Josh McCullough:
Thank you for having me. And happy holidays to you.
Chuck Gaidica:
Yeah, thank you. Same to you and your family. With us today is senior healthcare analyst for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, Josh McCullough. We're glad you're here. Thanks for listening to A Healthier Michigan Podcast. It's brought to you by Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan. If you like the show and you want to know more, you can go online to ahealthiermichigan.org/podcast or you can leave us a review or rating on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. You can also follow us. We've got Facebook, Instagram, and X covered. You can also go to your smartphone or tablet. And be sure to hit the subscribe button because you can find that on the Apple Podcasts, Spotify. We've got a YouTube channel. It's all there for you. Or you can just use your favorite podcast app. I'm Chuck Gaidica. Be well this holiday season.
