What Suicidal Ideations Feel Like to Me
Monica Drake
| 4 min read
I lead a pretty good life, and I’m a decently optimistic person – so, you may be surprised to find out that I regularly think about suicide. I share this because, often, people who experience suicidal ideations aren’t who you’d expect, and the thoughts can happen to anyone.
Dr. William Beecroft, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan’s medical director of Behavioral Health, defines suicidal ideations as intrusive, fleeting thoughts of suicide and self-harm and a preoccupation with death. In a recent MI Blue Daily article, he shared, “Suicidal ideation is common, so those who experience it shouldn’t feel shame or guilt that causes them to bottle up their feelings and potentially exacerbate them.”
For me, it’s not a conscious decision, like, “I'm going to think about suicide now.” Instead, the thought will enter my mind as if it’s coming from someone else. I’ll make a stupid mistake, say the wrong thing or experience a minor inconvenience, and the thought will suddenly appear. “You should walk into traffic,” or “everyone would be better off without you.”
I would never act on these thoughts, thanks to the fact that I am physically unable to inflict pain on myself. I’m also well-versed enough in mental illness to be able to take these thoughts for what they are – a chemical imbalance in my brain. Some days are harder than others, though, not to believe the thoughts that say, “no one would miss you if you were gone.”
If you feel this way, it’s important to talk to a professional. If you had cancer, you wouldn’t just sit around, hoping it would go away on its own. The same goes for mental illness and suicidal ideations.
Throughout my years dealing with this, here’s some effective strategies I’ve found:
- Following the plan I created with my doctor. My psychiatrist prescribed Xanax, a fast-acting medication which can relieve symptoms of anxiety within 30 to 60 minutes. I use as needed in moments of crisis to help calm my brain when it feels like I’m spiraling. Having a plan specific to my needs, approved by a professional, is my most important tool.
- Doing something else to take my mind off it. Sometimes, the best way to quiet the intrusive thoughts is to distract them. I’ll watch a comfort movie, listen to music or an audiobook or do the dishes — any activity that pulls me out of my head and into the present moment.
- Doing nothing. When my brain is too loud to be distracted, I do the opposite. I'll lie in a dark room with my hands at my side and try to be still or fall asleep if I’m able to. It’s hard to act on these thoughts when you’re not moving or, even better, when you're sleeping.
- Calling my mom or another loved one. When the thoughts feel overwhelming, it helps to reach out to someone who can help talk me through it. Especially my mom, who, obviously, has known me my entire life and who, without, I wouldn’t even have a life. Just hearing her voice reminds me, there is someone who would be devastated if I was gone. This simple act of connecting with someone who loves me can be enough to remind me that I’m not alone.
- Reminding myself that there are people who need me. My 1-year-old son needs me to do everything for him right now. My husband needs my help taking care of our baby and, of course, paying the bills. My cat needs me to feed him, clean up his poop and be a warm body to sleep on. Of course, I know I’m more than my responsibilities, but it helps to put these things into perspective when I’m feeling like everyone would be better off without me.
If you’ve ever thought about suicide, you are not alone. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an estimated 10.6 million adults in the U.S. report having suicidal thoughts each year. What’s important is that you don’t act on these thoughts. Instead, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, anytime, at 988. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and there is support waiting for you.
Blue Cross members can visit bcbsm.com/crisiscare for urgent mental health care and services.
For more information, read this article on MI Blue Daily.
Image: Courtesy Monica Drake
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